Champagne Sunday’s: No Reservations…

I can count on 3 fingers of how many dates I have been on in the last five years of me being single. This low number is mostly due to the fact that I scare men away…or so I have been told.

Man Friend: Torre, if you were not intimidating more guys would ask you out.
Me: So less intimidating…does that mean needy or insecure because I am not sure I understand what you are talking about???
Man Friend: Well, you are just so independent and confident and it seems like you really do not need a man or wants a man.
Me: Oh…I get it. Needy and insecure.
Man Friend: No Torre, you are missing my point. Guys fear you because they think you are just going to trample on their little hearts and it is most guys who are needy and insecure.
Me: (I start to tear up) I can’t even get a guy who will even take the time to get to know the real me so yes…I am sure they think that I will trample their little hearts because I am really intimidating…I already know this. So what should I do???
Man Friend: Wait for the right one to come along.
Me: Do you think he even exists???
Man Friend: Yes.
Me: How do you know for sure???
Man Friend: Because you are too awesome and amazing for someone not to want to get to know you and take a chance.
Me: I just want my best friend.
Man Friend: (Wondering if it is him that I am speaking of) You will find and fall in love with your best friend.
Me: I hope…Are you hungry???
Man Friend: Yes.
Me: Want to go out to dinner???
Man Friend: Yes…

Champagne Sunday’s: Olive Juice…

I have spent pretty much the past 30 years suppressing/repressing my feelings/emotions.  When my bestie, Cokie said that I never stick up for myself, or share my thoughts or words with others… well other than my besties, it made me realize that I have been missing out a little.  Actually, I have been missing out on a lot, like rejection. 

The latest came when I realized I did it again. I met a man that I really really really like(d).  But, I suppressed/repressed my feelings/emotions and denied me liking him, (I know…I am like in the  7^th grade, I know.) I pretend(ed) that I was okay with just hooking up and not really knowing if he care(d) for me beyond my AMAZING rear end. I assume(d) he only wants to hook up because he said, “I don’t want you to get weird and think that I want a relationship.” I said, “Why would I get weird, I don’t want a boyfriend…”

And then we hooked up.  It was REALLY REALLY REALLY amazing (not really. It could have been but the entire time instead of enjoying myself, I was thinking in the back of my head…I am hooking up with you because I like you.  Otherwise, I would just touch myself instead. And now, I have just made myself a piece of ass to you.  F*CK!!!)

I spent baby Jesus’s birthday with my bestie, Cokie, trying to unlock the da vinci code as in my heart and we discovered that I spend so much time reinforcing that I do not have feelings/emotions for certain men and because of my own actions, it ends up biting me and my amazing ass.  SURPRISE, I have done it again…history does repeat itself. 

So as a tribute to my ass and my heart, I have decided that I will not repeat 2009 and as I move forward to twentyten…I will follow the following rules: 

One: If you like someone, it is okay to let them know.  It is also okay to want an actual relationship instead of pretending you do not. (Try to say it, instead of writing it.)

Two: After the “Ello, I have fallen in love with you, but you live across the pond and I do not” incident, I realized that I am not the type who can just hook up and run.  To pretend to be that person is only going to hurt me, even though I suppress/repress my feelings/emotions, I still have them. (Stop hooking up with someone that is not my someone.)

Three: I spend so much time trying to be SO awesome and SO amazing, that when said man of the moment meets his future girlfriend, I will feel rejected again and will take my place on the podium as 2^nd best.  AND the thing is…I am not worthy of being second best.  I should be first as in the ONE.  I mean I have always been an AWESOME and AMAZING girlfriend an even better best friend and just an all around good-hearted person.  (It is okay if I am rejected.  At this point in my life, there is nothing to loose. Really, Torre there is nothing to loose.)

Four: I am beautiful, I am FEAKIN HILARIOUSLY FUNNY, I really am AWESOME and AMAZING…I need to accept that and stop denying that and realize that someone will eventually stop playing games and gain enough courage to no longer suppress/repress (y)our feelings/emotions…one day.  I mean we all do this in one way or another.  (There is someONE out there for everyONE.)

Five: To date, besides my friends and family I have only told 2 people that I have loved them (of course I waited for them to tell me first), I will one day stop suppressing/repressing my feelings/emotions and tell a man first, “I love you” even if the actual words might not come out of my mouth…

Champagne Sunday’s: Kismet…

Do you know where you call home??? Is it the small town you grew up in, is it the big city where you went to University and know everyone in town and thought to yourself this is as good as it is going to get. Or is it the place that by circumstance you found yourself wandering around aimlessly wanting and waiting for a sign to point you in the right direction???

Last Friday nite I stood dancing in the pouring down rain in the lower east side of New York City. I was on my way to see a gig when I decided to take a moment and thank life for such a sweet day. People were on the hustle and bustle rushing by me trying not to get wet. As the rain soaked my perfectly styled hair, it began to curl on the ends and my make up began to run down the sides of my face into my laugh lines. I smiled as big as my smiles let me and thought to myself, Gosh, why are people so afraid to be rained on??? Don’t they know that it cleanses your heart and soul?!?

And then…it happened. Lightning struck me, like love strikes ones heart. I looked up and on the corner of 3rd Ave and E 11th was a sign that said, “This is where you need to be Ziggy. This is where you should call your home”. (No, seriously there was a sign that said that.) Even though I have tapped danced in this city streets many times before, all I could think of was is it took me this long to realize this was my home. It was hidden deep in the nooks and crannies of a city that reeks of LIFE. There were the city lights, city sounds, city air and city taste left in my mouth when I returned home to my life of circumstance.

I have made my decision and I ready to move on. I am scared to death, but when LIFE cures your pain and the signs all say go east…I say, don’t stop until fate punches you in the face!!!

Champagne Sundays: Blind Faith…

I believe that humankind is not inherently good at heart. All of us face the temptation to act selfish, thoughtless, and even cruel. We must overcome those desires to demonstrate love, compassion and kindness…

I believe that people do not change. Though people do grow, mature, and learn, a person’s basic personality will stay constant throughout their life…

I believe that people can change. If you give people the opportunity to live up to your high expectations, sometimes they will exceed them…

I believe that there are several kinds of love. Community love is the idea that you share a bond with the people close to you and your social life. Familial love is the idea that blood or adoptive relationships represent a commitment of support and care. Friendship love is the practice of mutual goals and interests. Physical love is the pursuit of pleasure. Selfless love is the desire to put the true needs of another person ahead of your own regardless of the price you pay…

I believe that giving love selflessly but not receiving it in return does not diminish me…

I believe that being alone is not the same as being lonely. At times, solitude is a gift that everyone should enjoy. You can only truly know yourself when you are alone. Yet this is not the best way for everyone to live — we all need other people…

I believe that it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person or the right person at the wrong time. Real love builds up — it exposes insecurities and fears and removes them. Any love that brings more tears than joy and more pain than contentment is a false hope of the real thing…

I believe that men and women can be friends without any hint of romantic entanglement. Any culture that does not promote this idea, or worse, cannot even conceive of such a thing, is broken…

I believe that knowledge can never replace wisdom, but combined, they form an unbeatable combination…

I believe that unreasonable people change the world. Not everyone who is unreasonable will change the world, and not everything unreasonable is necessarily worth changing, but the first step toward changing the world lies in not accepting it as it is…

I believe that facing your fears with humility, patience, and grace builds character. When good eventually wins and the truth ultimately comes out, we can acknowledge our failures honestly and demonstrate that we have changed into the people we ought to have been from the start…

I believe Blind Faith does not require that you close your eyes to reality…it only asks that you open your heart to possibilities…

Champagne Sunday’s: 33 Miles…

 

~The Long Road~

It has been many years since she set foot along this road.  The journey has been long and at times difficult. Yet she has no regrets.

At times she wonders what it would have been like to have taken a different path. Traveled to the east instead of the west, or crossed the bridge instead of traversing along the river bank.

She never thinks on that long. And in truth she’s satisfied with the way she’s come.  Her pace has slowed a bit over these many years. She seems to stop more often to give glory to the sun and to cherish the moon.  Still the road stretches long ahead of her, with its endless possibilities. 

She plans to cover many more miles before she’s through… 

                                                  ~Katzinn~

 

Champagne Sunday’s: Love Letters…

~ Dear Ziggy ~

Wow isn’t it AMAZING that with so many brilliant beings on your planet, so few recognize that when one’s life encounters turbulence, choppy waters, or set backs, it’s always a sign that things are about to get wildly better than they’ve ever been before???

I know you are currently experiencing some set backs. I know this because I am the Universe. I want to thank you for keeping your chin up and always smiling. Now, if you can just remember where this is all going, Ziggy, no road will be too bumpy, no night will be too lonely, and no price will seem too great.

I do want to apologize for the past few months for throwing you some curve balls. Remember when I told you to NOT risk everything on one endeavor…well you learned your lesson right??? You are too trusting and too naive. There are cruel people out there in the world who just will not understand you.

Then there are some really AMAZING people out there that will. You already know who they are. You have to let your guard down and let them in. Just sayin…

In regards to your last request, Yes, Ziggy, you can have whatever you want. ANYTHING you can imagine. You name it. It is yours. Done-Deal, Zip-Zap, Bing-Bong. Oh, but you have to go get it. We are a team. I will do the hard parts, but you must get us started. Ready…GO!!!

Just a few reminders, slow it down, summer is over. Focus on what matters most, you and stop stressing and with just a wink, your confidence will bring peace and happiness to those who surround you.

Do not fight it; continue to be AWESOME and AMAZING…

~ The Universe ~

Champagne Sundays: GREAT Expectations…

I do my thing and you do your thing
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you and I am I and if by chance we find each other,
it’s beautiful. ~ Gestalt Prayer

I have been doing a lot of reading lately and I guess you can say some soul searching in other writer’s words in hopes to find whatever it is that I am looking for because I am not satisfied with the life that I got…the life that I have found.

I have always had high expectations for my family, my friends and myself. However, there came a time in my life where everyone including myself was a great disappointment, because they did not live up to my expectations. It came to a point in my life where I decided not have any expectations anymore.

I found it easier, easier to expect nothing, to make no claim to my hopes, to my dreams, to my relationships, to my friendships or to me. Because when you expect for your hopes and dreams to come true or for a friendship or a relationship to be successful and none of these expectations are ever met for one reason or another, if you expect nothing…and you get nothing…well no one will know when you are disappointed and you won’t be disappointed.

You can feel nothing knowing that you never “put yourself out there”. There is no record of what you wanted, no way for anyone to know that you have been let down. No one gets hurt…you do not get hurt!!!

I am so sick and tired of never feeling anything. I finally came to realization that I do want to have expectations. Maybe it is naive of me to expect things, but I want to expect things out of life, out of my family, my friends, out of me, out of you. I choose to live my life believing that GREAT acts will happen. It is expecting people to be AWESOME and that makes me AWESOME!!!

Therefore, if my expectations are not met today there is always tomorrow, and then the next, and then the next, and then the next…

Champagne Sunday’s: Festival Chasers…

My Do Dah called me Friday as I was driving to Chicago to embark on yet another “First Time Festival”. He called for some fashion advice and then I tried to catch him up on what was happening in my life.

I remember about 3 years ago, my father describing me to me. He said that I was the most confident insecure person he has ever met. He is almost 70…he has met a lot of people, when I heard him tell me this, I cried. I covered my face like I normally do when I shed some tears because, “Don’t let them see you cry…Ninja’s never cry!!!”

My Do Dah always said, “Torre if you can laugh in front of others, then you should be able to cry in front of others. It does not mean you are weak…it means that you are strong enough to show your emotions.” I try not to cover my face anymore, but it is still hard to do.

Anyway…back to me and me being the most confident insecure person my Do Dah has ever met!!! This statement made me realize that I needed to change whom I was. So I began my personal journey to find my moon…and by moon I mean me!!!

My journey began when I left America and traveled across the pond to a little music festival, named Reading. I had never been to a music festival and thought this would be the best place to discover who I was. And I thought why not attend a music festival in a different country by myself??? Therefore…I did.

I decided to make my first time at a festival even more interesting…I brought no money and 3 packs of cigarettes. I do not smoke as there are better ways to die but I thought cigarettes were a great way to barter some fun!!! There were over 80,000 strangers who had yet to meet me and within the first 3 hours of my arrival…I met a group of strangers that welcomed me into their world. And ohhh baby what a wild world it was!!!

I drank in so much fun that weekend and that group of strangers was the first to meet the new me. I met a group of people who introduced me to this wonderful thing called LIFE. At this festival, I realize how much I needed to start livin my life for me and no one else. It was a very exciting time for when I returned home I retuned confident in the fact…I knew that I could stand on my own two feet no matter what life threw at me. The following year I went back to Reading Festival. The strangers that I once met were now life long festival friends. I had a wonderful time the second time around, but you cannot top a First, First Year Festival.

Whether I was chasing the moon or the moon was chasing me, I found a little more of me at Rothbury!!! This time I did not want to venture this one on my own. I wanted to share it with someone who means the world to me, my brother. It was his First First and I am so thankful I got to share this adventure with him. This festival marked the 3rd year of my new life, because some how I got lucky enough to have a second chance to do this right. My brother knew what this festival meant to me and he did everything in his power to make it super special.

At Rothbury, I had hit a fork in the road on my journey and I had to decide what path I wanted to take…I took the one less traveled. Like a yellow butterfly emerging from its cocoon, I had found myself a little lost in this new magical world. Even though I was a little lost, Life was all starting to make sense. I found myself howling at the moon in the forest and at that moment, I knew that I had found what was missing from my life…my heart. I brought it back as a souvenir but I was not ready for it. So, I ripped my heart out to make more room for my AWESOMENESS. Heart in hand, I took it to the ROO…Bonnaroo!!!

It was another epic adventure and another First that I had the honor to share with my brother and his crew. Key Lime Pie, Naked Disco on top of the Worland Warrior Bus and Ziggy was introduced to the world. And then it happened…I tripped over my soul. It was just hangin out in the musical notes floating around in the air. AS trippy as that sounds…you have to have gone to a festival to understand what I am talking about. My soul sang into my mouth, but I still had my heart in my hand and did not know what to do with it.

For those that know me…I plan everything!!! Yes, I am unpredictable, but I have planned my unpredictability. AS I write this, I am already planning what first festivals I will be attending next year. After a long heart to heart with my heart, I realized I just need to let it go. I need to let go of the control and just be me. I did something spontaneous…I had no plan. I made a last minute decision to take my heart and my soul to yet another first…Lollapalooza. I did not think I would find what I was looking for…but I did.

“Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness”…I am not sure who said that, but they must have been a festival chaser…

Champagne Sunday’s: The day I lost you is the day that I found Myself…

I guess when you give up everything for someone else and one day finally realize they are never going to love you the way that you need to be loved, you build up enough courage and you decide to move on and go find what you are looking for.

I ran into my ex-boyfriend yesterday and needless to say, it totally hurt my heart. I decided to go on a long bike ride to help sweat out the fun that I drank in the nite before. I was feeling a bit nauseous so I decided to take a little rest at the Park of Roses. I was laying down starring at the clouds when I heard him shout, “Dolce…come here Dolce”. I was paralyzed by his voice and did not know what to do. I looked up and there she was…my dog Dolce with my ex Ralph. I tried to take cover and hide behind my bike, but I knew that he saw me. So, I got up and walked over to say hello.

As I approached, I felt my heart fall into my stomach. I mean, I am no longer in love with him, hell I am not even friends with him, but my heart tumbled into the pit of my stomach for some reason…I am trying to convince myself it was the 12 pack of vodka waters I drank the nite before, but I know it wasn’t. Ralph turned around and saw me walking towards him. He had a look of surprise on his face, which was shocking to me because he never showed any emotion, ever.

Dolce ran up to me before I had a chance to say hello. I remember the day that I hand picked her from the litter and named her. (Dolce means sweet in Italian). She was my best friend and I have not seen her in over 3 years (except when I do a drive by and see her in the window of my old house, I know…I sometimes visit crazytown). She looked the same, felt the same but she had no idea who I was. I think there was some sense of familiarity, but who am I kidding…she did not remember me, out of sight out of mind. I fought back the tears and said hello to Ralph. We had a short conversation about what we were doing these days. I pretended to care and so did he. I gave Dolce a kiss goodbye and walked away. I do not know how I even made it home because I had tears swelling in my eyes the entire ride.

Once I got home, I thought to myself, why am I crying??? Did I not take enough Vitamin B12 today?!? Just short of loosing my marbles, I called my sister to discuss my emotions and inability to stop the tears from forming in my eyes. I am not sure if she understood anything I was saying on the phone but her solution to all my problems are…pack my bags and move to England (I’m actually considering that). I really just wanted someone to hug it out with, but no one was available. Therefore, I continued to sob on the phone until there were no more tears to cry. And then…I finally realized what all the tears were all about…me.

We all have a tendency to loose ourselves in relationships and I am not sure where or when I lost myself in mine, but I did. It took me a long time to find myself and just minutes after running into my ex, he brought me back to a place that I never want to go back too, hence the mini emotional break down. I need to let go and not let my past ruin my future otherwise, I will never be able to move on.

True love comes from within, you must love yourself first, then, and only then you will be able to love someone else again, otherwise you will be lost forever…

Champagne Sunday’s: What Song Does Your Soul Sing???

Growing up I suffered from Middle Child Syndrome…still do.  With 5 kids running around our household and my parental units working mad crazy hours to support all of us, I was a bit neglected.  However, every Saturday I would have a date with my Do Dah to make up for any lack of attention or love.  I was most definitely “Daddy’s Little Girl”…still am.

My parents owned a restaurant and bar. On Friday nites, my Mum would close the bar so my Do Dah could wake up early and spend some quality time with me.  He would take me to my early morning gymnastics workouts (I was training for the Junior Olympics). He would drink his coffee and pretend to pay attention to me whilst he read the newspaper.  I think he did not want to focus on me too much because my coach was always yelling at me and he could not do anything about it.  He would have to sit there and watch as I would stand in the corner of the gym and cry because I could not perform a new trick or could not “stick” my routine.  It was very stressful for me as I always pushed my heart and soul to the extreme to be the best at everything, and when I was not the best, I would have major anxiety and panic attacks.  Therefore, to calm me down my Do Dah would give me some good ‘ol fashion music therapy.

On the drive home from the gym, my Do Dah would put his favorite classic rock 8 tracks on in his 1976 Silver Chevy Monte Carlo and we would drive around for hours rockin out!!! He would smoke his giant cigar and I would just sit there with my feet dancing on the dashboard and my hands pretending to play the drums. After we drove around for a while, we would stop by the restaurant to open it up. Once inside the restaurant he would give me a stack of quarters for the jukebox and make me a Shirley Temple with extra cherries!!!  I would sit there and spin on my bar stool and my Do Dah would pour himself an ice-cold brew and help me spin around in my chair. (Maybe that is why I love day boozing so much?!?) I would follow him around the restaurant and re-set all the silverware because he always did it wrong.  Before we would leave the restaurant to head towards the home front, he would ALWAYS put on my Mum’s favorite song and sing to me Blue Bayou by Linda Ronstadt. Ahhh…I miss those days with my Do Dah.   

When I got older and no longer had gymnastics, (I did not make the Junior Olympic Team, so I quit) my Do Dah would close Friday nites at the bar and my Mum would open, so we could still spend our Saturday’s together.  We would exhaust our entire day playing records and dancing on our porch.  We would dance for hours, but because I was not tall enough to put my arms on my Do Dah’s shoulders to dance, I would step on his bare feet to reach. He would sing the lyrics to every song that we played, spin me around until I was dizzy and would fall to the ground, stars in my eyes.  My favorite song that my Do Dah would sing to me is the ever so AMAZING lyrics of Mr. David Byrne’s Naïve Melody. Whenever I hear that magical song, it fills my heart and soul with such happiness and love.   

As the years have passed, it has become more difficult to have a date with my Do Dah. For Fathers Day this year, I sent him a homemade CD with all of our favorite songs that we use to dance too. For me, Music Speaks What Cannot Be Expressed, Soothes The Mind and Gives It Rest, Heals The Heart and Makes It Whole, Flows from Heaven Into My Soul…

Happy Fathers Day, I love you Do Dah, can’t wait to dance with you Saturday!!!