I have spent pretty much the past 30 years suppressing/repressing my feelings/emotions. When my bestie, Cokie said that I never stick up for myself, or share my thoughts or words with others… well other than my besties, it made me realize that I have been missing out a little. Actually, I have been missing out on a lot, like rejection.
The latest came when I realized I did it again. I met a man that I really really really like(d). But, I suppressed/repressed my feelings/emotions and denied me liking him, (I know…I am like in the 7th grade, I know.) I pretend(ed) that I was okay with just hooking up and not really knowing if he care(d) for me beyond my AMAZING rear end. I assume(d) he only wants to hook up because he said, “I don’t want you to get weird and think that I want a relationship.” I said, “Why would I get weird, I don’t want a boyfriend…”
And then we hooked up. It was REALLY REALLY REALLY amazing (not really. It could have been but the entire time instead of enjoying myself, I was thinking in the back of my head…I am hooking up with you because I like you. Otherwise, I would just touch myself instead. And now, I have just made myself a piece of ass to you. F*CK!!!)
I spent baby Jesus’s birthday with my bestie, Cokie, trying to unlock the da vinci code as in my heart and we discovered that I spend so much time reinforcing that I do not have feelings/emotions for certain men and because of my own actions, it ends up biting me and my amazing ass. SURPRISE, I have done it again…history does repeat itself.
So as a tribute to my ass and my heart, I have decided that I will not repeat 2009 and as I move forward to twentyten…I will follow the following rules:
One: If you like someone, it is okay to let them know. It is also okay to want an actual relationship instead of pretending you do not. (Try to say it, instead of writing it.)
Two: After the “Ello, I have fallen in love with you, but you live across the pond and I do not” incident, I realized that I am not the type who can just hook up and run. To pretend to be that person is only going to hurt me, even though I suppress/repress my feelings/emotions, I still have them. (Stop hooking up with someone that is not my someone.)
Three: I spend so much time trying to be SO awesome and SO amazing, that when said man of the moment meets his future girlfriend, I will feel rejected again and will take my place on the podium as 2nd best. AND the thing is…I am not worthy of being second best. I should be first as in the ONE. I mean I have always been an AWESOME and AMAZING girlfriend an even better best friend and just an all around good-hearted person. (It is okay if I am rejected. At this point in my life, there is nothing to loose. Really, Torre there is nothing to loose.)
Four: I am beautiful, I am FEAKIN HILARIOUSLY FUNNY, I really am AWESOME and AMAZING…I need to accept that and stop denying that and realize that someone will eventually stop playing games and gain enough courage to no longer suppress/repress (y)our feelings/emotions…one day. I mean we all do this in one way or another. (There is someONE out there for everyONE.)
Five: To date, besides my friends and family I have only told 2 people that I have loved them (of course I waited for them to tell me first), I will one day stop suppressing/repressing my feelings/emotions and tell a man first, “I love you” even if the actual words might not come out of my mouth…
