Champagne Sunday’s: A simple show of hands…

I have not seen the palms of my hands in sometime. They have been clenched and look as if they are holding onto something for dear life. My veins are popping out, my fingernails are digging into my skin, and all my knuckles are white.

Honeyflea says it is control that I am trying to hold onto or lack there of. She smacked my hands profusely today until I let go and dropped whatever I was holding on too.

Everything I have been holding onto fell to the floor. I have spent the last hour kicking it, jumping on it, dancing on it and finally picking it back up again.

It does not feel good anymore to hold onto these things that I have no control over. And, that is the THING…we all have these things that we have absolutely no control over and never will, I repeat…never will.

So let us all let go and instead of holding everything in so tight…find someone else’s hand, open yours up and hold it because that is the only thing you should ever hold on too…

Thank you my darling Honeyflea

Champagne Sunday’s: Honeyflea…

almost a year since I started this thing (www.honeyflea.wordpress.com) I look back and laugh, because it seems like mostly song lyrics that moved me as I was moving through mourning. Not as isolated as just a heart that was broken, but mourning a loss of self…

anger…

These past few weeks, I recognize myself…

(Has it been years I’ve embraced brokenness???)

Reaching out to pull a smile from anyone in my path. Just because…

Saying sorry…

Looking to my left and to my right, and gazing on people who have toughed out the dark, and decided, ASKED, to walk along side anyways; holding my hand when they should. Darlings I know will be there ten, twenty years from now. Letting them in…

Spiritually moving, seeking. Continuous dialogue with the lover of my soul. Resting in that love…

This manifesting of life…

Oh how sweet…

Champagne Sunday’s: No Reservations…

I can count on 3 fingers of how many dates I have been on in the last five years of me being single. This low number is mostly due to the fact that I scare men away…or so I have been told.

Man Friend: Torre, if you were not intimidating more guys would ask you out.
Me: So less intimidating…does that mean needy or insecure because I am not sure I understand what you are talking about???
Man Friend: Well, you are just so independent and confident and it seems like you really do not need a man or wants a man.
Me: Oh…I get it. Needy and insecure.
Man Friend: No Torre, you are missing my point. Guys fear you because they think you are just going to trample on their little hearts and it is most guys who are needy and insecure.
Me: (I start to tear up) I can’t even get a guy who will even take the time to get to know the real me so yes…I am sure they think that I will trample their little hearts because I am really intimidating…I already know this. So what should I do???
Man Friend: Wait for the right one to come along.
Me: Do you think he even exists???
Man Friend: Yes.
Me: How do you know for sure???
Man Friend: Because you are too awesome and amazing for someone not to want to get to know you and take a chance.
Me: I just want my best friend.
Man Friend: (Wondering if it is him that I am speaking of) You will find and fall in love with your best friend.
Me: I hope…Are you hungry???
Man Friend: Yes.
Me: Want to go out to dinner???
Man Friend: Yes…

Champagne Sunday’s: Olive Juice…

I have spent pretty much the past 30 years suppressing/repressing my feelings/emotions.  When my bestie, Cokie said that I never stick up for myself, or share my thoughts or words with others… well other than my besties, it made me realize that I have been missing out a little.  Actually, I have been missing out on a lot, like rejection. 

The latest came when I realized I did it again. I met a man that I really really really like(d).  But, I suppressed/repressed my feelings/emotions and denied me liking him, (I know…I am like in the  7^th grade, I know.) I pretend(ed) that I was okay with just hooking up and not really knowing if he care(d) for me beyond my AMAZING rear end. I assume(d) he only wants to hook up because he said, “I don’t want you to get weird and think that I want a relationship.” I said, “Why would I get weird, I don’t want a boyfriend…”

And then we hooked up.  It was REALLY REALLY REALLY amazing (not really. It could have been but the entire time instead of enjoying myself, I was thinking in the back of my head…I am hooking up with you because I like you.  Otherwise, I would just touch myself instead. And now, I have just made myself a piece of ass to you.  F*CK!!!)

I spent baby Jesus’s birthday with my bestie, Cokie, trying to unlock the da vinci code as in my heart and we discovered that I spend so much time reinforcing that I do not have feelings/emotions for certain men and because of my own actions, it ends up biting me and my amazing ass.  SURPRISE, I have done it again…history does repeat itself. 

So as a tribute to my ass and my heart, I have decided that I will not repeat 2009 and as I move forward to twentyten…I will follow the following rules: 

One: If you like someone, it is okay to let them know.  It is also okay to want an actual relationship instead of pretending you do not. (Try to say it, instead of writing it.)

Two: After the “Ello, I have fallen in love with you, but you live across the pond and I do not” incident, I realized that I am not the type who can just hook up and run.  To pretend to be that person is only going to hurt me, even though I suppress/repress my feelings/emotions, I still have them. (Stop hooking up with someone that is not my someone.)

Three: I spend so much time trying to be SO awesome and SO amazing, that when said man of the moment meets his future girlfriend, I will feel rejected again and will take my place on the podium as 2^nd best.  AND the thing is…I am not worthy of being second best.  I should be first as in the ONE.  I mean I have always been an AWESOME and AMAZING girlfriend an even better best friend and just an all around good-hearted person.  (It is okay if I am rejected.  At this point in my life, there is nothing to loose. Really, Torre there is nothing to loose.)

Four: I am beautiful, I am FEAKIN HILARIOUSLY FUNNY, I really am AWESOME and AMAZING…I need to accept that and stop denying that and realize that someone will eventually stop playing games and gain enough courage to no longer suppress/repress (y)our feelings/emotions…one day.  I mean we all do this in one way or another.  (There is someONE out there for everyONE.)

Five: To date, besides my friends and family I have only told 2 people that I have loved them (of course I waited for them to tell me first), I will one day stop suppressing/repressing my feelings/emotions and tell a man first, “I love you” even if the actual words might not come out of my mouth…

Champagne Sunday’s: Kismet…

Do you know where you call home??? Is it the small town you grew up in, is it the big city where you went to University and know everyone in town and thought to yourself this is as good as it is going to get. Or is it the place that by circumstance you found yourself wandering around aimlessly wanting and waiting for a sign to point you in the right direction???

Last Friday nite I stood dancing in the pouring down rain in the lower east side of New York City. I was on my way to see a gig when I decided to take a moment and thank life for such a sweet day. People were on the hustle and bustle rushing by me trying not to get wet. As the rain soaked my perfectly styled hair, it began to curl on the ends and my make up began to run down the sides of my face into my laugh lines. I smiled as big as my smiles let me and thought to myself, Gosh, why are people so afraid to be rained on??? Don’t they know that it cleanses your heart and soul?!?

And then…it happened. Lightning struck me, like love strikes ones heart. I looked up and on the corner of 3rd Ave and E 11th was a sign that said, “This is where you need to be Ziggy. This is where you should call your home”. (No, seriously there was a sign that said that.) Even though I have tapped danced in this city streets many times before, all I could think of was is it took me this long to realize this was my home. It was hidden deep in the nooks and crannies of a city that reeks of LIFE. There were the city lights, city sounds, city air and city taste left in my mouth when I returned home to my life of circumstance.

I have made my decision and I ready to move on. I am scared to death, but when LIFE cures your pain and the signs all say go east…I say, don’t stop until fate punches you in the face!!!

Champagne Sundays: Blind Faith…

I believe that humankind is not inherently good at heart. All of us face the temptation to act selfish, thoughtless, and even cruel. We must overcome those desires to demonstrate love, compassion and kindness…

I believe that people do not change. Though people do grow, mature, and learn, a person’s basic personality will stay constant throughout their life…

I believe that people can change. If you give people the opportunity to live up to your high expectations, sometimes they will exceed them…

I believe that there are several kinds of love. Community love is the idea that you share a bond with the people close to you and your social life. Familial love is the idea that blood or adoptive relationships represent a commitment of support and care. Friendship love is the practice of mutual goals and interests. Physical love is the pursuit of pleasure. Selfless love is the desire to put the true needs of another person ahead of your own regardless of the price you pay…

I believe that giving love selflessly but not receiving it in return does not diminish me…

I believe that being alone is not the same as being lonely. At times, solitude is a gift that everyone should enjoy. You can only truly know yourself when you are alone. Yet this is not the best way for everyone to live — we all need other people…

I believe that it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person or the right person at the wrong time. Real love builds up — it exposes insecurities and fears and removes them. Any love that brings more tears than joy and more pain than contentment is a false hope of the real thing…

I believe that men and women can be friends without any hint of romantic entanglement. Any culture that does not promote this idea, or worse, cannot even conceive of such a thing, is broken…

I believe that knowledge can never replace wisdom, but combined, they form an unbeatable combination…

I believe that unreasonable people change the world. Not everyone who is unreasonable will change the world, and not everything unreasonable is necessarily worth changing, but the first step toward changing the world lies in not accepting it as it is…

I believe that facing your fears with humility, patience, and grace builds character. When good eventually wins and the truth ultimately comes out, we can acknowledge our failures honestly and demonstrate that we have changed into the people we ought to have been from the start…

I believe Blind Faith does not require that you close your eyes to reality…it only asks that you open your heart to possibilities…

Champagne Sunday’s: Love Letters…

~ Dear Ziggy ~

Wow isn’t it AMAZING that with so many brilliant beings on your planet, so few recognize that when one’s life encounters turbulence, choppy waters, or set backs, it’s always a sign that things are about to get wildly better than they’ve ever been before???

I know you are currently experiencing some set backs. I know this because I am the Universe. I want to thank you for keeping your chin up and always smiling. Now, if you can just remember where this is all going, Ziggy, no road will be too bumpy, no night will be too lonely, and no price will seem too great.

I do want to apologize for the past few months for throwing you some curve balls. Remember when I told you to NOT risk everything on one endeavor…well you learned your lesson right??? You are too trusting and too naive. There are cruel people out there in the world who just will not understand you.

Then there are some really AMAZING people out there that will. You already know who they are. You have to let your guard down and let them in. Just sayin…

In regards to your last request, Yes, Ziggy, you can have whatever you want. ANYTHING you can imagine. You name it. It is yours. Done-Deal, Zip-Zap, Bing-Bong. Oh, but you have to go get it. We are a team. I will do the hard parts, but you must get us started. Ready…GO!!!

Just a few reminders, slow it down, summer is over. Focus on what matters most, you and stop stressing and with just a wink, your confidence will bring peace and happiness to those who surround you.

Do not fight it; continue to be AWESOME and AMAZING…

~ The Universe ~

Champagne Sunday’s: The day I lost you is the day that I found Myself…

I guess when you give up everything for someone else and one day finally realize they are never going to love you the way that you need to be loved, you build up enough courage and you decide to move on and go find what you are looking for.

I ran into my ex-boyfriend yesterday and needless to say, it totally hurt my heart. I decided to go on a long bike ride to help sweat out the fun that I drank in the nite before. I was feeling a bit nauseous so I decided to take a little rest at the Park of Roses. I was laying down starring at the clouds when I heard him shout, “Dolce…come here Dolce”. I was paralyzed by his voice and did not know what to do. I looked up and there she was…my dog Dolce with my ex Ralph. I tried to take cover and hide behind my bike, but I knew that he saw me. So, I got up and walked over to say hello.

As I approached, I felt my heart fall into my stomach. I mean, I am no longer in love with him, hell I am not even friends with him, but my heart tumbled into the pit of my stomach for some reason…I am trying to convince myself it was the 12 pack of vodka waters I drank the nite before, but I know it wasn’t. Ralph turned around and saw me walking towards him. He had a look of surprise on his face, which was shocking to me because he never showed any emotion, ever.

Dolce ran up to me before I had a chance to say hello. I remember the day that I hand picked her from the litter and named her. (Dolce means sweet in Italian). She was my best friend and I have not seen her in over 3 years (except when I do a drive by and see her in the window of my old house, I know…I sometimes visit crazytown). She looked the same, felt the same but she had no idea who I was. I think there was some sense of familiarity, but who am I kidding…she did not remember me, out of sight out of mind. I fought back the tears and said hello to Ralph. We had a short conversation about what we were doing these days. I pretended to care and so did he. I gave Dolce a kiss goodbye and walked away. I do not know how I even made it home because I had tears swelling in my eyes the entire ride.

Once I got home, I thought to myself, why am I crying??? Did I not take enough Vitamin B12 today?!? Just short of loosing my marbles, I called my sister to discuss my emotions and inability to stop the tears from forming in my eyes. I am not sure if she understood anything I was saying on the phone but her solution to all my problems are…pack my bags and move to England (I’m actually considering that). I really just wanted someone to hug it out with, but no one was available. Therefore, I continued to sob on the phone until there were no more tears to cry. And then…I finally realized what all the tears were all about…me.

We all have a tendency to loose ourselves in relationships and I am not sure where or when I lost myself in mine, but I did. It took me a long time to find myself and just minutes after running into my ex, he brought me back to a place that I never want to go back too, hence the mini emotional break down. I need to let go and not let my past ruin my future otherwise, I will never be able to move on.

True love comes from within, you must love yourself first, then, and only then you will be able to love someone else again, otherwise you will be lost forever…

Champagne Sunday’s: Why can’t I take my own advice???

 

 

Dear Champagne Sunday’s:

 

I am a little embarrassed to say that I have not had sex in almost 6 months.  Not like I am counting or anything, but I am in my sexual prime and should not have this drought to say the least.  As much as I try to be a ho bag…I am not and do not believe in just hooking up with a “RANDOM” for a piece of ass. I do have someone that I will be visiting next week and I more than likely can recycle.  However, I do not want to use him just for sex.  What should I do??? I cannot FREAKIN take it anymore. 

 

Sincerely,

Cobwebs

 

Dear Cobwebs,

 

First off, I am so sorry your “Virginia” has cobwebs.  It does suck to be a classy woman.  Some people have the ability to have casual sex, but if you cannot be that person, then I understand the AWFUL drought you have been going through.  My heart goes out to you and your goodies. 

Second off, I am a firm believer that the only thing you should recycle is aluminum, paper, plastic and an occasional outfit. (Note: If you are recycling an outfit, then make sure that you do not go to the same establishment that you wore it last.) Plus, Karma is a bitch…if you use this person for sex, you know it will come back full circle too you…

Third off, I think you should just get yourself off.  Seriously, double click the mouse or do whatever it is you do.  At least, you’re guaranteed an ORGASM!

 

~ CS ~

 

 

 

Dear Champagne Sunday’s:

 

I am an outgoing person.  Sometimes my personality might scare off some people, but for the most part, I do have many male suitors.  So, there is this one guy that I like and one of my social friends called “dibs”.  I do not get how someone can call “dibs”.  Especially if this guy, does not even like her (I know this because I asked him). They never hooked up…but they might have made out once or twice or so he says.  I am not good friends with this girl, but I am not sure what to do in this situation, help a sista out!!!

 

Sincerely,

Little Dibbie

 

Dear Little Dibbie,

 

Rules for the game: The game played by young woman in which you call “dibs” on any young lad that takes your fancy. Players are limited to five “dibs” per evening out. When a player calls “dibs”, she must also tap another player with varying degrees of force, depending on the amount of alcohol that has been consumed. Once a young lad has had “dibs” called on him he becomes out of bounds for all other players for the entirety of the evening. Any player who flaunts this rule and continues to “pull” a man who has had “dibs” called on him, must pay a suitable forfeit.

 

~ CS ~

 

 

 

Dear Champagne Sunday’s:

 

I have recently became acquainted with a certain man.  We are just friends, but I think he might know that I have a small crush on him. Anyway, he is fun to hang out with and I am interested in getting to know him better even if he does not share the same feelings for me.  Unfortunately, my man friend is a “MAN HO” and everything that I want out of a partner, he barely possesses. So why do I still like him??? 

 

Sincerely,

I da ho…no, you da ho

 

 

Dear IDAHO,

 

You said it yourself, you have a crush on him and the only thing you are going to get out of this is your lil heart 2 stepped on.  I do not care if you want to be friends with him or not, that is still a recipe for disaster.  Let the “MAN HO” go and if it was meant to be and he comes back to you, then spray him down with disinfectant.

 

P.S. Better those girls willing to give it up than you…

 

~ CS ~