During my recent yearly scheduled appointment with the doctor all females loathe, I had to update my contact information and had to fill out what I affectionately call “The Questionnaire of an Embarrassing and Public Death”.
I entered the waiting area of my Virginia Doctor and in the room, to the left was a young married couple reading “What Too Expect When You are Expecting”. Seeing as I gagged at the sight of their happiness, I knew it would be best for everyone involved that I sit as far away from them as possible. In the opposite corner was a frightened teenager. Think Juno without the plan, understanding parents or witty banter. I found a seat next to a plant and magazine case that came complete with “Highlights” and “Cosmo”. Oh, so very educational!!!
I clicked the top of the pen and started answering the questions.
A Number 1: When was your last doctor exam?
3 Months ago (Okay like I go to the doctor a lot, but only because they like to do tests on me and my girly parts to make sure I don’t die anytime soon and to make sure my medication is working efficiently at killing my ovaries. Life is so unfair!!!)
B Number 2: Have you ever had an STD?
EWWW…NO!!!
C Number 3: When was your last sexual encounter?
I am not answering that out loud. I will say this I almost went a year without sex…almost
Then the most alarming question came…
D Number 4: How many sexual partners have you had in your lifetime?
A. 1-2 partners
B. 3-5 partners
C. 6-10 partners
D. 11-25 partners
E. 26-50 partners
F. 50+
As I sat in the uncomfortable polyester chair under the glaring ultra violet lights, which made my eyes water, I pondered how I would answer this question. I mean, just how many men have I been with? How many is too many for the doctor to know? If I check box A or B will the doctor believe me? Wait, am I in box A or B? Crap, am I counting that guy I dated for a hot second sophomore year in college? Oh no, am I in box C? Is the receptionist looking at me and judging me knowing that I am having a major anxiety attack in regards to this question!!!
Later that day whilst sipping some mid afternoon champagne with my besties and discussing my recent trip to my Virginia Doctor, it proved to be quite the conversation starter. We all sat and tried to count the number of men/women of whom we have done the “No Pants Dance” with. Then the question came up that I am sure we were all thinking: Do you even know your real number?
What is your real number anyways? For girls, do you count that guy who made it in once but then went limp because he had “whiskey d*ck”??? For guys, do you count the chick, who after 2 thrusts in, fell asleep because she drank too much??? What constitutes an additional notch on the ol’ bed post???
And for that matter, what makes you remember every single sexual encounter. Yes, you remember the repeat offenders, the ones who weren’t just a random guest appearance but actually made it into the coveted co-star role for a little while but, what about the one hit wonders??? Do you remember all of them??? On the other hand, with time, do your sexual partners decrease because you intentionally or unintentionally forget them???
After discussing all of these scenarios, we told each other our number. I am sure we all lied to each other, because no one, I mean NO ONE should know your real number. Well I did tell my Virginia Doctor my real number though…
