Champagne Sunday’s: Olive Juice…

I have spent pretty much the past 30 years suppressing/repressing my feelings/emotions.  When my bestie, Cokie said that I never stick up for myself, or share my thoughts or words with others… well other than my besties, it made me realize that I have been missing out a little.  Actually, I have been missing out on a lot, like rejection. 

The latest came when I realized I did it again. I met a man that I really really really like(d).  But, I suppressed/repressed my feelings/emotions and denied me liking him, (I know…I am like in the  7^th grade, I know.) I pretend(ed) that I was okay with just hooking up and not really knowing if he care(d) for me beyond my AMAZING rear end. I assume(d) he only wants to hook up because he said, “I don’t want you to get weird and think that I want a relationship.” I said, “Why would I get weird, I don’t want a boyfriend…”

And then we hooked up.  It was REALLY REALLY REALLY amazing (not really. It could have been but the entire time instead of enjoying myself, I was thinking in the back of my head…I am hooking up with you because I like you.  Otherwise, I would just touch myself instead. And now, I have just made myself a piece of ass to you.  F*CK!!!)

I spent baby Jesus’s birthday with my bestie, Cokie, trying to unlock the da vinci code as in my heart and we discovered that I spend so much time reinforcing that I do not have feelings/emotions for certain men and because of my own actions, it ends up biting me and my amazing ass.  SURPRISE, I have done it again…history does repeat itself. 

So as a tribute to my ass and my heart, I have decided that I will not repeat 2009 and as I move forward to twentyten…I will follow the following rules: 

One: If you like someone, it is okay to let them know.  It is also okay to want an actual relationship instead of pretending you do not. (Try to say it, instead of writing it.)

Two: After the “Ello, I have fallen in love with you, but you live across the pond and I do not” incident, I realized that I am not the type who can just hook up and run.  To pretend to be that person is only going to hurt me, even though I suppress/repress my feelings/emotions, I still have them. (Stop hooking up with someone that is not my someone.)

Three: I spend so much time trying to be SO awesome and SO amazing, that when said man of the moment meets his future girlfriend, I will feel rejected again and will take my place on the podium as 2^nd best.  AND the thing is…I am not worthy of being second best.  I should be first as in the ONE.  I mean I have always been an AWESOME and AMAZING girlfriend an even better best friend and just an all around good-hearted person.  (It is okay if I am rejected.  At this point in my life, there is nothing to loose. Really, Torre there is nothing to loose.)

Four: I am beautiful, I am FEAKIN HILARIOUSLY FUNNY, I really am AWESOME and AMAZING…I need to accept that and stop denying that and realize that someone will eventually stop playing games and gain enough courage to no longer suppress/repress (y)our feelings/emotions…one day.  I mean we all do this in one way or another.  (There is someONE out there for everyONE.)

Five: To date, besides my friends and family I have only told 2 people that I have loved them (of course I waited for them to tell me first), I will one day stop suppressing/repressing my feelings/emotions and tell a man first, “I love you” even if the actual words might not come out of my mouth…

Champagne Sunday’s: Festival Chasers…

My Do Dah called me Friday as I was driving to Chicago to embark on yet another “First Time Festival”. He called for some fashion advice and then I tried to catch him up on what was happening in my life.

I remember about 3 years ago, my father describing me to me. He said that I was the most confident insecure person he has ever met. He is almost 70…he has met a lot of people, when I heard him tell me this, I cried. I covered my face like I normally do when I shed some tears because, “Don’t let them see you cry…Ninja’s never cry!!!”

My Do Dah always said, “Torre if you can laugh in front of others, then you should be able to cry in front of others. It does not mean you are weak…it means that you are strong enough to show your emotions.” I try not to cover my face anymore, but it is still hard to do.

Anyway…back to me and me being the most confident insecure person my Do Dah has ever met!!! This statement made me realize that I needed to change whom I was. So I began my personal journey to find my moon…and by moon I mean me!!!

My journey began when I left America and traveled across the pond to a little music festival, named Reading. I had never been to a music festival and thought this would be the best place to discover who I was. And I thought why not attend a music festival in a different country by myself??? Therefore…I did.

I decided to make my first time at a festival even more interesting…I brought no money and 3 packs of cigarettes. I do not smoke as there are better ways to die but I thought cigarettes were a great way to barter some fun!!! There were over 80,000 strangers who had yet to meet me and within the first 3 hours of my arrival…I met a group of strangers that welcomed me into their world. And ohhh baby what a wild world it was!!!

I drank in so much fun that weekend and that group of strangers was the first to meet the new me. I met a group of people who introduced me to this wonderful thing called LIFE. At this festival, I realize how much I needed to start livin my life for me and no one else. It was a very exciting time for when I returned home I retuned confident in the fact…I knew that I could stand on my own two feet no matter what life threw at me. The following year I went back to Reading Festival. The strangers that I once met were now life long festival friends. I had a wonderful time the second time around, but you cannot top a First, First Year Festival.

Whether I was chasing the moon or the moon was chasing me, I found a little more of me at Rothbury!!! This time I did not want to venture this one on my own. I wanted to share it with someone who means the world to me, my brother. It was his First First and I am so thankful I got to share this adventure with him. This festival marked the 3rd year of my new life, because some how I got lucky enough to have a second chance to do this right. My brother knew what this festival meant to me and he did everything in his power to make it super special.

At Rothbury, I had hit a fork in the road on my journey and I had to decide what path I wanted to take…I took the one less traveled. Like a yellow butterfly emerging from its cocoon, I had found myself a little lost in this new magical world. Even though I was a little lost, Life was all starting to make sense. I found myself howling at the moon in the forest and at that moment, I knew that I had found what was missing from my life…my heart. I brought it back as a souvenir but I was not ready for it. So, I ripped my heart out to make more room for my AWESOMENESS. Heart in hand, I took it to the ROO…Bonnaroo!!!

It was another epic adventure and another First that I had the honor to share with my brother and his crew. Key Lime Pie, Naked Disco on top of the Worland Warrior Bus and Ziggy was introduced to the world. And then it happened…I tripped over my soul. It was just hangin out in the musical notes floating around in the air. AS trippy as that sounds…you have to have gone to a festival to understand what I am talking about. My soul sang into my mouth, but I still had my heart in my hand and did not know what to do with it.

For those that know me…I plan everything!!! Yes, I am unpredictable, but I have planned my unpredictability. AS I write this, I am already planning what first festivals I will be attending next year. After a long heart to heart with my heart, I realized I just need to let it go. I need to let go of the control and just be me. I did something spontaneous…I had no plan. I made a last minute decision to take my heart and my soul to yet another first…Lollapalooza. I did not think I would find what I was looking for…but I did.

“Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness”…I am not sure who said that, but they must have been a festival chaser…

Champagne Sunday’s: The day I lost you is the day that I found Myself…

I guess when you give up everything for someone else and one day finally realize they are never going to love you the way that you need to be loved, you build up enough courage and you decide to move on and go find what you are looking for.

I ran into my ex-boyfriend yesterday and needless to say, it totally hurt my heart. I decided to go on a long bike ride to help sweat out the fun that I drank in the nite before. I was feeling a bit nauseous so I decided to take a little rest at the Park of Roses. I was laying down starring at the clouds when I heard him shout, “Dolce…come here Dolce”. I was paralyzed by his voice and did not know what to do. I looked up and there she was…my dog Dolce with my ex Ralph. I tried to take cover and hide behind my bike, but I knew that he saw me. So, I got up and walked over to say hello.

As I approached, I felt my heart fall into my stomach. I mean, I am no longer in love with him, hell I am not even friends with him, but my heart tumbled into the pit of my stomach for some reason…I am trying to convince myself it was the 12 pack of vodka waters I drank the nite before, but I know it wasn’t. Ralph turned around and saw me walking towards him. He had a look of surprise on his face, which was shocking to me because he never showed any emotion, ever.

Dolce ran up to me before I had a chance to say hello. I remember the day that I hand picked her from the litter and named her. (Dolce means sweet in Italian). She was my best friend and I have not seen her in over 3 years (except when I do a drive by and see her in the window of my old house, I know…I sometimes visit crazytown). She looked the same, felt the same but she had no idea who I was. I think there was some sense of familiarity, but who am I kidding…she did not remember me, out of sight out of mind. I fought back the tears and said hello to Ralph. We had a short conversation about what we were doing these days. I pretended to care and so did he. I gave Dolce a kiss goodbye and walked away. I do not know how I even made it home because I had tears swelling in my eyes the entire ride.

Once I got home, I thought to myself, why am I crying??? Did I not take enough Vitamin B12 today?!? Just short of loosing my marbles, I called my sister to discuss my emotions and inability to stop the tears from forming in my eyes. I am not sure if she understood anything I was saying on the phone but her solution to all my problems are…pack my bags and move to England (I’m actually considering that). I really just wanted someone to hug it out with, but no one was available. Therefore, I continued to sob on the phone until there were no more tears to cry. And then…I finally realized what all the tears were all about…me.

We all have a tendency to loose ourselves in relationships and I am not sure where or when I lost myself in mine, but I did. It took me a long time to find myself and just minutes after running into my ex, he brought me back to a place that I never want to go back too, hence the mini emotional break down. I need to let go and not let my past ruin my future otherwise, I will never be able to move on.

True love comes from within, you must love yourself first, then, and only then you will be able to love someone else again, otherwise you will be lost forever…

Champagne Sunday’s: How I Met My Partner in Crime…

 

This is a story about James and Petal. James and Petal have been friends for almost three years now and during visits have been know to get into some serious fun!!!

 

Here is how they met…

 

Whilst Petal was visiting London England, she went to a neighborhood party near her sister’s home in Reading.  James and Petal are at the same party, but standing on opposite sides of the room.

 

Petal is standing near the door thinking, “I wish there was someone here to talk to,” when she sees James.

 

James is a total English hipster…all the woman are frolicking to him and he keeps blowing them off.  It’s quite comical. 

 

Petal is a total American non-hipster…all the men are frolicking to her and she keeps blowing them off.  It’s quite comical.

 

James is standing against the wall thinking, “If I sneeze wearing these too-tight boxer briefs, I’ll never have children,” when he sees Petal approaching.

 

Petal: Hey
James: Ello (English accent)

Petal: Having fun???
James: Quite a bit. I fancy a good party and you?

Petal: It’s alright.  I’ve just been stealing shit from various rooms.
James: Really?

Petal: No, of course not…

James laughs.

 

Petal: Yes…I have been stealing shit. 

James laughs harder.

 

James: I recognize you from a picture. We have a friend in common on Facebook. I can’t remember who it is.

Petal: Shelley?
James: No.

Petal: Stacey?
James: No.

Petal: Phil?
James: No. Hang on, let me think.
Petal: Frank.

James: No. Stop for a sec.
Petal: Jake???

James: Shut it!
Petal: Aloysius?

James: No!!! Wait. You have a friend named Aloysius?
Petal: Ohhhh… you wanted REAL guesses???

 

They walk together outside onto the deck. They are mid-conversation.

 

James: If you don’t know anyone here, why did you come?
Petal: Both my parole officer and court-appointed psychologist think it is a good idea for me to socialize more even if it is with strangers in other countries. 

 

James: Really?
Petal: No…
James: Okay.
Petal: Yes…
James: What?
Petal: Nothing…

 

Moments later, they are leaning against the railing.

 

James: You were born in the 70s?
Petal: Yup…

 

James: They had childbirth back then?
Petal: Oh… So that’s how it’s going to be???
James: It would appear so.

 

James: Have you considered the possibility that you aren’t as cute as you think you are?
Petal: Briefly…

 

James: Not possible?
Petal: Possible. But extremely unlikely!!!
James: Gotcha.

 

Petal: Do you have any chewing gum???

James: Yes, is mint okay?

Petal: Seriously, I can’t find cinnamon chewing gum in this entire country.  This is why I am going back to America. 

 

Few seconds of silence.

 

James: So, that’s the downside of you?
Petal: What do you mean???
James: You seem too good to be true and you are cuz you are going back to America. Soon?
Petal: Tomorrow.
James: Sounds about right for my luck.

 

They kiss, they kiss again and they kiss some more. But, eventually…

 

Petal: I gotta go.
James: Thank God. I was having a bastard of a time resisting copping a feel.

 

Petal: Spin class works?
James: Nicely spun.

 

Petal: Really??? That’s the line you are going with???
James: I stand by it.

 

Petal: Okay. So add me on Facebook as soon as you get home.
James: Can I change my status to “It’s Complicated” first?
Petal: I suppose. Just don’t poke me. I hate it when people poke me.
James: Maybe they just aren’t doing it right.

 

Silence.

 

Petal: What does that even mean?
James: I’m…not sure. Sometimes I just like to hear myself talk.

 

James walks her home. During the walk to Petal’s sister’s house, James and Petal roll down a hill and have a hot and heavy make out session.  In the mist of the make out session, James wraps his arms around her, he reaches into her jacket and pulls out a decorative pepper shaker and passes it to her.

 

Petal: I searched far and wide for this gift for you!!!
James: You stole this?!? Where is the salt shaker?
Petal: Dude, we just met…

 

They both get up and continue to walk, holding hands.  Once they arrive to the final destination, James smiles and watches as Petal walks into the house and he leaves. After walking back to the party, he reaches back into his inside pocket and pulls out a pink wallet. He opens it up and looks at the driver’s license.

 

James: That’s a pretty good picture of her…

 

The next day via facebook messaging and poking…

 

Petal: You stole my wallet!!!

James: You stole my heart!

Petal: Trade you???

James: Okay, but when will I see you again for the exchange?

Petal: Meet me at the train station, you can ride to the Gatwick with me.

James: Okay.

 

They met on platform Number 7.  He brought the pink wallet and a stick of cinnamon chewing gum…

 

 

Champagne Sunday’s: I’ve Got My Life in a Suitcase…

 

 

Someone once said, “A writer’s finished product always resembles her own life more closely than those of anyone else’s; we leave our fingerprints on every page and move on to the next with nothing more than a memory of our past…”

 

Well my fingerprints are left on my laptop and my uncompleted product(s) have been erased from my hard drive.  Basically, I lost everything…my stories, my music, my photos and it seems my life. I try to look on the bright side (as I always do) and that side is at least I have my memories or what is left of them. 

 

Every time I leave my home, I pack my whole life in a suitcase mostly because I never know what to expect.  Sometimes I think that I just might not come home. Other times, I just want to be prepared.  Over the past 3 weeks, I have been to 3 different continents and spent over 45 hours flying.  Boy, my arms are tired…My travels have allowed me to meet some really AMAZING people and visit the most AMAZING countries. I would show you photos of my trips, but I have lost most of them to the cyber gods.

 

Even though I love to travel, I have decided to spend Christmas and New Years home alone.  Reason being, I think everyone should spend a holiday alone at least once in their lifetime.  I am mostly doing it because I am broke as a joke.  My family wants me to go to Atlanta, GA to visit my oldest brother and oldest sister’s family, but I just got back from the Griswold Family Vacation in London, England and I am not up for another, unless we are going to Walley World!!!

 

Granted it was an AWESOME vacation: I became a Godmother to both of my nieces, I got to spend Thanksgiving with my family and we have not done that in over 3 years, I saw Journey to the West in London with my sister and brother, visited the Tate Museum and other historical landmarks, I became a vegetarian, I spent all of my “emergency cash” savings, got dissed by someone who I thought loved me, bought new boots to mend my broken heart (your loss JD) spent endless hours having intellectual conversations with the people who I love the most, I cried a lot, drank a lot, walked a lot, played a lot, danced a lot, laughed a lot and did not sleep at all. In addition, I have made new memories that photos will never be able to capture and words will never be able to describe!!!

 

This Christmas, I know I will miss my family dearly and I will probably sit in my pink princess palace, playing Atari awaiting Santa’s arrival. (Yes, I still have my Atari.) And on New Years Eve, which is the most played out holiday ever, (I always spend a fortune to dress up and look pretty just for a kiss at midnight and guess what; I am probably the only 32 year old that has never been kissed on NYE!!!)  I will play dress up, sip mass amounts of champagne, watch the ball drop and then make out with the porcelain loo.  I will ring in the New Year starting fresh by making and sticking to my resolution(s) and begin packing up my life once again for my endless weekend journeys until summer begins.  The count down is on. It is approximately 120 days until I can unpack my life…