As you tread in the water you turn around and see what you have left behind. Not too far away you see the water begins to get shallow, you see the steps that will guide you out of the water. You see what is familiar to you. Doesn’t seem so scary now, does it???

The time has come now where you have to venture down and see just how deep it is. You tell yourself, you are not scared. You have held your breath under the water a million times. You know when it is time to come up to breathe, to breathe to breathe You have ventured to touch the bottom a few times and you let the water bring you up to the surface to breathe yet again. But fear has over come you and you think you might drown. You look around and no one is there, no one is there to save you if in fact you did drown. You swim back to what is familiar.

Swimming into the deep end for the second time…you know how to swim, arms move right over left as you emerge your face into the water, pull through, kick your legs, and take a breath, repeat. You open your eyes to see where you are at. You finally have taken a chance and found yourself in a place that is familiar to you. You panic just enough to send an adrenalin rush through your body. Rush soon turns to a sense of warmth and you realize you have taken a chance and now you are here, in the deep end yet again. Doesn’t seem so scary, now does it?!?

The time has come now where you have to venture down and touch the bottom. You tell yourself, you are not scared. You have held your breath under the water a million times. You know when it is time to come up to breathe, to breathe to breathe. You have ventured to touch the bottom a few times before and you let the water bring you up to the surface to breathe yet again. But fear has over come you again and you think you might drown. You look around and no one is there, no one is there to save you if in fact you did drown. You have been here in the deep end so many times before and finally you make the decision to sink or swim. To drown or to breathe, regardless of who is around.

You flip your body upside down and go in head first. You’re doing it. You’re really doing it. You are almost there. You find the bottom of the deep end. You made it. You’re not scared. You are almost out of breath so you see how much longer you can go before exhausting yourself. You swim to the top just in time to catch your breath.

The first time I ever went swimming in the deep end I was faced with challenges that I can’t even begin to explain. It was the first time in my life that I thought I was going to drown. I made a promise to myself that I would take the next 5 years of my life learning how to swim. July 1, 2010 I celebrated my 5th year of being Cancer Free. They say I am cured now. They say I can swim anywhere I want. So I did. So now I am free, to breathe to breathe to breathe!!!

Honeyflea was still mending a broken heart. She was finding any way possible to patch up her cuts and bruises. She abandoned her painting and drowned herself in her writings in hopes that the ink she poured on her make shift canvas would erase the pain. I most recently felt that pain and for the first time in our friendship, finally, I was able to understand her. Last Sunday we spent the day together laughing, crying, hugging, holding hands and listening to music to express the emotions that we could not express otherwise. A thunderstorm swept through our day and our nite and washed away all the pain and troubles that we were having especially with each other. The Summer of Love taught me, Love should always be unconditional or not at all.

Lead

Like all lessons in love…my summer would not have been what it was without Cokie. She had just moved back from the West Coast. (I kid you not…Cokie and I are sisters separated at birth. We have a connection that some might be jealous of, but understanding for sure.) She returned just as the Summer of Love was getting started and when I needed her most. Cokie has this ability to hold her head up no matter what happens in ones life. She never falls, she never breaks and even though she bruises quite easily, she has the ability to push through anything. I admire that about her…hell I love that about her. She is not one to wear her heart on her sleeve…but she did cry once this summer, well her eyes filled up with tears but they were not heavy enough to fall, typical of her. The Summer of Love is not over for her and I have a feeling that she is going to fall…in Love of course!!!

Love

I am like a broken vinyl record being played in the “Chichiwahwah” home as you can hear me recite over and over…”If I only had half the love that you and Shoe have, I would be happy”… a conversation repeated over and over to Mima. Without her, there would not have been a Summer of Love…everyday I learn more about love by watching Mima and her Shoe’s dance moves. They graciously trip over each other’s feet. Shoe selects what song they dance too…and Mima leads. The choreography is flawless and I hope one day I can open my heart again and learn the dance.

Too Love

Back in 1967, the summer of love might be remembered as a summer full of psychedelics and music festivals, my summer of love will always be remembered, as the summer that changed my life. I will always remember to Love, regardless of what season it is…

(excerpt from a story: Heavy Heart, Soulful Journey by Victoria Anne Josephine)

I began my journey of self-discovery. I knew the person that I wanted to become and I knew the person that I wanted to be. Tough at times…I remained persistent on focusing what matter most, loving me…flaws and all. Once I was able to love myself…I was then able to love others in return.

Through the course of the next 3 years, I rebuilt my relationship with my family and found some great best friends. I never in my life have felt so much love. By my 33rd Birthday, I could honestly say that I loved myself and that I had it all…but, my heart was still a little empty.

It was October 3rd right before my 33rd Birthday. My best friends and I went out to have a pre-birthday dinner celebration. Afterwards, we were going to an art gallery opening for a friend who was in town from NYC. During dinner, I remember telling my friends that I was going to meet someONE and I did.

At the restaurant, I ran into some friends, was introduced to him, and still ‘til this day, I remember his smile. Even though he had a girlfriend, I remember thinking to myself that he was that someONE I was suppose to meet. About 3 months went by and I ran into him again. I think we exchanged smiles but it was not until the 3rd time I ran into him did we exchange conversation. During our conversation, I discovered he was available and interested in getting to know me and vice versa.

It only took him 3 days to fall for me and I fell for him too, harder than I have ever fallen. It was awesome, and for a brief moment, my heart felt full. It was the best feeling in the world. Some people might call it love, whatever it was…it was AHH-MAZING!!!

Unfortunately I am not lucky with love…I wish the 3rd time was my charm…

I have been writing for a couple of years and I look back to where I was living in my head from time to time. Here are some of my favorite stories in particular order:

1. I’ve got my life in a suitcase

2. Currently Downloading Version 32

3. The Social Experiment of the Letter J

4. Stolen Thoughts

5. Ziggy’s Journey

Well my 5 year journey is coming to an end and I am over living in my head…I am ready to move on and I am now going to live in my heart!!!

I have not seen the palms of my hands in sometime. They have been clenched and look as if they are holding onto something for dear life. My veins are popping out, my fingernails are digging into my skin, and all my knuckles are white.

Honeyflea says it is control that I am trying to hold onto or lack there of. She smacked my hands profusely today until I let go and dropped whatever I was holding on too.

Everything I have been holding onto fell to the floor. I have spent the last hour kicking it, jumping on it, dancing on it and finally picking it back up again.

It does not feel good anymore to hold onto these things that I have no control over. And, that is the THING…we all have these things that we have absolutely no control over and never will, I repeat…never will.

So let us all let go and instead of holding everything in so tight…find someone else’s hand, open yours up and hold it because that is the only thing you should ever hold on too…

Thank you my darling Honeyflea

Almost 5 years ago, I began a new life in which my second chance would allow me to go on this ever so amazing journey where the unknown was okay. I embrace every day and savor it as a gift. My journey is taking me in several different directions and without a map…I have no idea where I am going. The only thing I know is that I am on this radtastical adventure and I am actually scared for once. Where did this fear come from, where is my map???

I have hit a roadblock and even though I want to embrace the unknown and continue to embark on this soulful journey, I am not sure I am ready. Where am I going, what am I doing, and again…where is my map??? I cannot breathe…

The time has arrived in which I must push past the dead end and create a detour without a map. I can no longer be afraid of the feelings inside of me and pretend they do not exit.

Love gives me the ability to catch my breath, admitting that I have fallen will help me rest and everything else I need for my journey to awaken my heart lies within me and only me…

(excerpt from a story: Heavy Heart, Soulful Journey by Victoria Anne Josephine)

anger…

These past few weeks, I recognize myself…

(Has it been years I’ve embraced brokenness???)

Reaching out to pull a smile from anyone in my path. Just because…

Saying sorry…

Looking to my left and to my right, and gazing on people who have toughed out the dark, and decided, ASKED, to walk along side anyways; holding my hand when they should. Darlings I know will be there ten, twenty years from now. Letting them in…

Spiritually moving, seeking. Continuous dialogue with the lover of my soul. Resting in that love…

This manifesting of life…

Oh how sweet…

1. Be Awesome
2. Be Amazing
3. Be You
4. Be Me
5. Just Be

Words cannot express how thankful I am for my 5 Star’s in my life. I have spent the last 3 months falling in love with the most important people: My Family & My Friends.

I often wondered how long it would take for me to finally feel whole again, complete again, alive again…well it took 33 years and it was worth the wait.

This portion of my journey I bring the best company as they all are a reflection of me and the person that I have always wanted to be. The easiest thing in life is living it and loving it and laughing at it.

I have 5 Stars tattooed on my body and every so often someone asks what they mean.  What they mean to me I can only sum up and say…no matter where I go or what I do in my life my 5 Stars lead me to wherever I go and will always be with me and I with them…

Man Friend: Torre, if you were not intimidating more guys would ask you out.
Me: So less intimidating…does that mean needy or insecure because I am not sure I understand what you are talking about???
Man Friend: Well, you are just so independent and confident and it seems like you really do not need a man or wants a man.
Me: Oh…I get it. Needy and insecure.
Man Friend: No Torre, you are missing my point. Guys fear you because they think you are just going to trample on their little hearts and it is most guys who are needy and insecure.
Me: (I start to tear up) I can’t even get a guy who will even take the time to get to know the real me so yes…I am sure they think that I will trample their little hearts because I am really intimidating…I already know this. So what should I do???
Man Friend: Wait for the right one to come along.
Me: Do you think he even exists???
Man Friend: Yes.
Me: How do you know for sure???
Man Friend: Because you are too awesome and amazing for someone not to want to get to know you and take a chance.
Me: I just want my best friend.
Man Friend: (Wondering if it is him that I am speaking of) You will find and fall in love with your best friend.
Me: I hope…Are you hungry???
Man Friend: Yes.
Me: Want to go out to dinner???
Man Friend: Yes…

The latest came when I realized I did it again. I met a man that I really really really like(d).  But, I suppressed/repressed my feelings/emotions and denied me liking him, (I know…I am like in the  7^th grade, I know.) I pretend(ed) that I was okay with just hooking up and not really knowing if he care(d) for me beyond my AMAZING rear end. I assume(d) he only wants to hook up because he said, “I don’t want you to get weird and think that I want a relationship.” I said, “Why would I get weird, I don’t want a boyfriend…”

And then we hooked up.  It was REALLY REALLY REALLY amazing (not really. It could have been but the entire time instead of enjoying myself, I was thinking in the back of my head…I am hooking up with you because I like you.  Otherwise, I would just touch myself instead. And now, I have just made myself a piece of ass to you.  F*CK!!!)

I spent baby Jesus’s birthday with my bestie, Cokie, trying to unlock the da vinci code as in my heart and we discovered that I spend so much time reinforcing that I do not have feelings/emotions for certain men and because of my own actions, it ends up biting me and my amazing ass.  SURPRISE, I have done it again…history does repeat itself. 

So as a tribute to my ass and my heart, I have decided that I will not repeat 2009 and as I move forward to twentyten…I will follow the following rules: 

One: If you like someone, it is okay to let them know.  It is also okay to want an actual relationship instead of pretending you do not. (Try to say it, instead of writing it.)

Two: After the “Ello, I have fallen in love with you, but you live across the pond and I do not” incident, I realized that I am not the type who can just hook up and run.  To pretend to be that person is only going to hurt me, even though I suppress/repress my feelings/emotions, I still have them. (Stop hooking up with someone that is not my someone.)

Three: I spend so much time trying to be SO awesome and SO amazing, that when said man of the moment meets his future girlfriend, I will feel rejected again and will take my place on the podium as 2^nd best.  AND the thing is…I am not worthy of being second best.  I should be first as in the ONE.  I mean I have always been an AWESOME and AMAZING girlfriend an even better best friend and just an all around good-hearted person.  (It is okay if I am rejected.  At this point in my life, there is nothing to loose. Really, Torre there is nothing to loose.)

Four: I am beautiful, I am FEAKIN HILARIOUSLY FUNNY, I really am AWESOME and AMAZING…I need to accept that and stop denying that and realize that someone will eventually stop playing games and gain enough courage to no longer suppress/repress (y)our feelings/emotions…one day.  I mean we all do this in one way or another.  (There is someONE out there for everyONE.)

Five: To date, besides my friends and family I have only told 2 people that I have loved them (of course I waited for them to tell me first), I will one day stop suppressing/repressing my feelings/emotions and tell a man first, “I love you” even if the actual words might not come out of my mouth…