Champagne Sunday’s: Someone who Can’t Understand Normal Thoughts is someone who takes back their cheating boyfriend…

 

 

Here is the scenario:

 

The Cheating Boyfriend: One cold nite in January 2008 this really big douche bag went out boozing with his friends. They probably started their evening out in the Arena District at LAMEO places like Lodge Bar or Brothers.  After too many Miller Lites, they made their way down to where cool people hang out in the short north.  The cheating boyfriend found a young woman and he proceeded to seduce her.  After last call, they went to his house to frolic under the sheets. (He was a 2 on the Straight Rating System).  In the morning, the young woman was nowhere to be found. Somehow he did get her phone number and later that day, he called her and was sent directly to voicemail.  He left a message saying, “how much fun he had and that he would like to see her again.” Little did he know that by leaving this message his girlfriend would soon find out that he is a cheating bastard!!! 

 

The Young Woman: One cold nite in January 2008 this really cool chick went out boozing with her friends.  They probably started out and stayed in the short north because rumor has it…that is where really cool people hang out.  After too many PBR’S and shots of Whiskey the unsuspecting young woman allowed herself to be seduced. After last call, the young woman went to this guys house to frolic under the sheets.  In the morning, the young woman realized that she needed to get the hell out of dodge and hoped that he would never call her or see her again.  Later that day while hanging out with her gay, she received a phone call from a random number and the young woman sent it to voicemail. She let her gay listen to the voicemail.  Little did she know that her gay knew whose voice that was on the other end!!!

 

The Gay: One cold nite in January 2008 this really cool gay went out with one of his fag hags.  They probably started their evening out at Union Station and then headed to Havana to see a drag show.  After too many fruity drinks, they made their way to Axis to dance the nite away.  The gay was trying to comfort his fag hag because her boyfriend was nowhere to be found.  After last call, they went home.  In the morning, the fag hag went to her boyfriend’s apartment to find out where he was all nite. She overheard him talking on the phone “how much fun he had and that he wanted to see her again!!!”

 

Sh*t went down and to make the long story short.  The Gay told the young woman that this douche bag has a girlfriend and confirmed with his fag hag that the douche bag cheated on her with the young woman.  (I think this scenario is where Mary J Blige found her inspiration to write the song…NO MORE DRAMA). 

 

During the Gallery Hop this past weekend we went to a wine bar and the young woman ran into the fag hag.  Sh*t went down again.  The young woman’s gay was forwarding the text messages that the fag hag was sending the gay.  They were really rude and cruel. Eventually, the fag hag sent the young woman a text that stated…”You are a spine c*nt and I told you to never come to my place of work.”

 

We were trying to figure out what the heck spine c*nt meant. And after laughing our asses off because SERIOUSLY who freakin has time for this drama, I told the young woman not to respond to the text…a few minutes later the young woman got another text that said, “I meant to say spineless c*nt.”

 

I guess you had to be there to understand what I am talking about. I tried to explain it to the best of my ability. 

 

A long time ago my mummy told me the definition of a c*nt and she said it was someone who:

Cant

            Understand

            Normal

            Thoughts

So the moral of the story is all woman who take back their cheating boyfriend are spine c*nts!!!

 

(AWFUL story…I know…this one was for you N.B.)

Champagne Sunday’s: I wanna be your “Style Crusader”…

 

 

I love the Memorial Tournament.  For me, it is the beginning of my summer.  Year after year, we rally the troops and head “up norf” to mingle with the popped collars, argyles and plaids and who can’t forget the awful Forever 21

dresses and the douche bags! 

 

Let’s begin…as an avid fan of golf (born into a family of beer drinkers and golfers…guilt by association) I attend the Memorial Tournament religiously.  It is tradition to play a little hooky and skip out of work around noon on Friday and head to the tournament.  My father works the event, so he sneaks us in.  Flasks in hand…we turn off our cell phones and pretend to know what the hell is going on.  Did you know that the purse for this tourney was $6million???  WOW…that is a lot of money.  No wonder all the “cougars” and “panthers” are out on the prowl.  We sit in the sun until our cheeks get a little rosie and no sooner than later our flasks become empty and so we usually head back to crash one of the Memorial Tournament House Parties. Mr. Pepper’s house party is always the best!

 

We meet up with all of our boys at the Bogey Inn.  For those of you who do not know our boys…let’s just say that they are culprits of mindless drunken adventures that usually result in the disappearance of ones money and brain cells.  They are the best boys ever because they always make sure that we (SLAM!) are taken care of and get home safely.  I love our boys!!! 

 

I am just going to put it out there, I am a fashion whore.  I am very opinionated, not to be confused with judgmental.  What you are about to read is not to be mean or make it sound as if I am “Queen of all the Fashionistas”, but…there is a serious problem going on in our world today.  I feel a need to speak out and make a difference and hopefully make a change in at least 1 person’s life.  I know that our economy is struggling.  Gas prices are outrageous, we are still at war and with the election coming up we are faced with some serious decisions about our future endeavors.

 

After socializing at the Bogey Inn, I realized there is a greater crisis going on, a fashion crisis. I mean for gods sake, ladies…learn how to dress or get some new friends who will be honest when you ask, “How do I look?”  (Or get a gay friend…because they would NEVER let you walk out of your house lookin like you do!)

 

There is a rule of thumb: Dress appropriately for each occasion.  So the occasion is a sporting event.  If it is a football game, baseball, hockey etc…jeans and a jersey are appropriate.  So for the Memorial Tournament you would think “country club attire” not NASCAR Indy races right!!! 

 

Well you hoes and bitches, since your friends suck at life and don’t tell you that your Forever 21 dress is fucking AWFUL…and because of your fashion miseducation…woman who know how to dress look AMAZING…which leads to every douche bag on the planet to hit on us instead of you!!!  You’re bringing my stock down.  With that said, I am going to give you some Tips on how to look 5 Star.

 

5 Star SLAM’S! Tips to dressing the nines at the Memorial Tournament

 

• Sundress that comes to a reasonable length and that does not show case any back fat or FUPA’S. You know what I am talking about!
• Shorts or short skirts as long as it covers your entire ass and any “cottage cheese” is appropriate.  Once you put it on…go into the sunlight and flex if you see some cellulite…then NOT APPROPRIATE.
• Just because you got your boobs done or that you have ginormously natural breasts (and hey I am a fan of the boobies) does not mean you have to show EVERYTHING.  Keep the kids in!!!
• If you can shower in the shoes…then not appropriate.  Wedges, flats, sandals or a pair of clean trainers are always best. So put the “Fuck me pumps” or knee high boots away and save them when you “B&T’s” go out to Sugar or Boma…(P.S. bring some baby wipes…no one wants to see your dirty ass toes.  And if you are wearing open toe shoes…you better have had a pedicure)
• Anything with sequins or that looks like you spent hours bedazzling…NOT HOT! and definitely not appropriate
• Animal prints…they are out…really they are!!! I don’t care what Vogue says…
• Keep the jewels to a minimum.  If you are looking like a gangsta rapper…then you know you have over accessorized.
• Don’t forget…your face is an accessory too!!!  If you sweat and your “Tammy Fay Baker” face slides off…then you have put too much make up on.

 

Now, if you prefer to continue to look like a “hot mess on the one way express”, then by all means…continue to wear your $28.00 dresses from the design stealing store, Forever 21.  But if you want to “dress to impress” then I advise you to take my advice, if not mine…then take Coco Chanel’s…“A girl can be two things, Classy & Fabulous”. 

 

One more thing…”DOUCHE BAGS” This is for you…

 

The urban dictionary defines douche bag as: the scientific name for schmucks who roll up in public wearing wife-beaters or oversized jeans. Can also be found wearing sunglasses in nightclubs and/or sun-visors on backwards and upside down. These people should be drug outside and shot in the stomach, then used as speed bumps to prevent any neon-toting lowrider crap-mobiles from infesting the neighborhood and lowering property values.

 

However…with all ho bags dressing like they just walked out of Fredericks of Hollywood…you would think that a woman like me would not get hit on by every douche bag on the planet.  I mean if you know me, yes…I am cute sweet and know how to have a good time, but SERIOUSLY…don’t fucking think for a one minute that your cattle calls of you hootin and a hollarin and your lame ass pick up lines are going to work. 

 

I think it is wonderful that you (douche bags) have such AMAZING confidence and approach me and say…“I’ve gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade”…yeah, like that is going to get me to give you my number…FUCK THAT and FUCK YOU!!!  (I am serious; this line was used on me)

 

What happened to all the non douche bag guys with really bad pick up lines??? Oh that’s right you are hitting on all the chicks with oversized boobs…fuck me pumps…leopard print bootie shorts…and too much Mac make up…(SIGH)…