My mum rang me today and asked me if I was having a good day. I responded, “Why yes, mummy…having a splendid day…I hydroplaned on the way to work, slipped and fell on my way to the gym, got stuck in the swirling door coming out of the gym and got a parking ticket”. My mum said, “Your day does not sound splendid. It sounds like you had a HORRIBLE day.” I thought to myself, it might seem like it was a horrible day, but I beg to differ, I never have horrible days, I kinda make the best out of everything. Granted I have an awful bruise and I am rubbing two pennies together to make a quarter to pay for this f**king parking ticket, but I am alive and happy!
My mummy wanted a recap of my weekend festivities and my travel plans for the summer. However, I could sense some disappointment in her voice. I knew she read my blog. Therefore, I asked her if she did. She responded, “Victoria Anne Josephine, Coco Chanel would never say F**K! Your blog sounds like Carrie Bradshaw meets Amy Crack Ho Winehouse…you need to quit cursing. No boy is ever going to want to kiss that truck driver mouth of yours!!!”
For a moment I thought I would tell my mummy that I preferred to kiss girls, (I prefer boys, but I just like to shock my mum every chance I get) but I didn’t. She was right I sound as if I am trailer trash and have no class. I pry myself on being classy, fabulous and lets be honest…F**KING AMZAZING!!! Therefore, to spare my mummies heartache, I will consider changing my ways.
It makes me wonder why I curse?! I sometimes think it is empowering to say, “You c*ck sucker mother f**ker!” or my favorite line,”Hey, leave me alone before I C*NT PUNT you across the street.” (Go ahead and steal that one…I said it just for you.)
If I remember correctly I got my first detention in kindergarten for eating the class fish out of the bowl and then telling the teacher to “F**K Off, It was a dare from the boys!!!” Plus, I was hungry and a girls got to eat. After a beat down from one of the nuns, my mummy had to come pick me up from school and we had a meeting with the Monsignor. He asked my mummy where I learned such an awful word. (I went to catholic school for 12 years. I think I made baby Jesus cry everyday because of my antics.)
My mum responded, “F**K, I am not sure where she learned it from, maybe her father.” When we got home, my mum and dad washed my mouth out with soap. I swore to them up and down that I would never curse again. I have to mention that the day that liquid soap was invented was a HORRIBLE day. DAMN you Hendrik Willem Brouwer of Holland!!!
So, starting today, I am going to begin my “June Year’s Resolution”. I will quit cursing and start practicing what I preach. I think that will make my mums happy and maybe even get a boy to kiss me…we will see.
